Is President Barack Obama an American citizen?

Yes. If you think otherwise, please go jump off a cliff.

Hey, did I just hear something about Michael Jackson?

 Hey, sorry to bother you, but did I just hear you say something about Michael Jackson? The King of Pop? The fact that you mentioned him means he must have resurfaced in the news recently. I was just thinking to myself, I haven't heard anything about that guy since his last NAMBLA incident. What a weirdo, but man could he dance! The Moonwalk- remember that? How did he manage to walk backwards while looking like he should be walking forwards? Crazy!

Didn't he move to Bahrain, or something like that, to get away from all the paparazzi and kids' families who wanted to sue him? Was that before or after he dangled his little kid over the balcony in Germany? Those Germans- they didn't even think that was fucked up! I wonder if Hasselhoff could get away with that, probably could. 

Man, Michael Jackson. Nutjob. But you were saying something about him, that he did something, or what? Because I don't think anything Wacko Jacko would do could surprise me anymore. He could buy a seat on the next Russian Spaceship and jump out the door Moonwalking his way through the International Space Station and it wouldn't faze me.

But, sorry, I keep running on here, what were you saying about him? He died? Who died? Michael Jackson died? Really? Michael Jackson. Dead. For real? 

Huh. 

This Week's Great Moment in Politics- Italian PM Silvio Berlusconi

Fans of international politics have been privy to many hilariously pathetic incidents, and no one other than W has given the world more cynical joy than Italian PM Silvio Berlusconi. Already on his 3rd controversial term (non-consecutive), he has given politicos countless gems, such as:

Asking a couple of showgirls to marry him (for which his wife forced a public apology, with a letter to an opposition newspaper, when she couldn't get a private one), undergoing 12 legal trials (always getting off by acquittal or statute of limitations), claiming Mussolini "had been a benign dictator who did not murder opponents but sent them 'on holiday'", and playing hide-and-seek with German Chancellor Angela Merkel, where instead of receiving her on the official podium, he hid behind a column and called out "coo coo" as she walked by, to name just a few. Those who wish to know more about this successor to Caesar can simply google "Berlusconi, scandal" or "Berlusconi, clown" and find a fountain of reading.

Now, far be it for me to criticise a man who has, in the interests of gender equality, made the following two intelligent Italians a part of his Cabinet:

Now, to get to the point of today's entry. Italy suffered a 6.3 magnitude earthquake, resulting in the death of 289 people and leaving roughly 18,000 homeless. The medieval city of L'Aquila sustained significant damage to its great historical architecture, not to mention its more modern "earthquake-proof" universities and hospitals. With such damage done, in swoops Papa Berlusconi, to look after and comfort his affected people. While describing the situation that the residents had to deal with, he stated:

"They have everything they need, they have medical care, hot food...of course, their current lodgings are a bit temporary. But they should see it like a weekend of camping."

Then he directed his words to the affected themselves:

"Head to the beach. It's Easter. Take a break. We're paying for it, you'll be well looked after."

Just dynamite.

Liberal Bathroom Agenda

The elections are over and the world has changed.  But not completely. Michelle Bachmann managed to hold off Elwyn Tinklenberg (no homo) and hang onto her seat in the House, much to the surprise of reasonable citizens everywhere.  Everyone is well aware of her calls for neo-McCarthyism on Hardball.  Her comments set off a strong backlash for obvious reasons.  Footage was even dug up from a 2005 debate where she proclaimed that, "...Not all cultures are equal.  Not all values are equal."

In today's 24 hour news cycle this incident for many be part of the distant past, however her comments, particularly those made in 2005, were very much on my mind a few short days ago.  I sauntered into the men's room for some much needed post-lunch relief.  As I scanned the urinal bank I noticed something was amiss.  A foreign gentlemen was standing in front of me in clear violation of American urinal culture normatives.  He was configured according to the following diagram:

1     2     3     4

      X

The numbers represent urinals, with 4 being the kiddie urinal.  As if this violation of proper solo urinal configuration was not enough, this particular offender was "going over the fence".  I think we all can agree this was a particularly egregious violation urinal etiquette, however I have witnessed this sort of behavior far too often.  I thought to myself that Michelle Bachmann was at least partially correct.  Clearly the voters in Minnesota's 6th Congressional District thought so.

This Week in Rock- Jim James of My Morning Jacket

This Week in Rock will attempt to highlight humorous anecdotes from the world of Rock 'n Roll. The inaugural post should be about the long-awaited (read: 17 years) new album, Chinese Democracy, from Guns N' Roses. In case you gave up on them, as I did after the abortion that was The Spaghetti Incident, G N' R has been slowly shaping this sure-to-be crap sandwich through myriad drug addictions, band infighting, and typical rock star idiocy. Remember Buckethead? He was one of the guitarists brought in to replace Slash. He is best-known for playing on-stage while wearing an upside down Kentucky Fried Chicken bucket over his head to protest the on-going chicken holocaust in fast-food joints around the globe. I believe they describe him as being an "avant garde guitarist". I describe his as a fucking freakshow.
But alas, even Buckethead and the re-generation of Axl Rose don't take top billing this week. That award goes to Jim James, lead singer and main axe-shredder of My Morning Jacket. MMJ, and Jim in particular, thrive on high-energy jams and loud reverb thrashings to get awesome. Anyone who's been to a show can attest to the sweetness of how they rock out. But unfortunately, Jim got a little too rock star at a show in Iowa City the other day, and as a result, they have canceled their upcoming European Tour. How did this happen, you ask? I give you the band's words:
"We were finishing up the last few bars of 'Off the Record,' and just like any other night we were all having a great time. Jim went to get closer to the audience on his side of the stage, and as he moved forward to step onto the sub-woofer, the lights darkened, and he inadvertently stepped off the stage. Upon falling, he suffered traumatic injuries to his torso, and was immediately taken to the hospital."
Let me be the first to wish Jim a speedy recovery. I've seen them perform Off the Record before, and I can see how he ended up in the hospital- the song fucking rocks and they jam that bitch out something fierce. But how do you fall off the stage? And how do you fall off in such a way that you aren't caught by all the adoring fans in the front row? This bit about the lights darkening for a split-second I'll buy, but still, he must have been running to the front of the stage and just ate shit on the sub-woofer. I don't know the layout of the arena, but there must have been a space between the stage and the crowd for him to fall, and the fact that he was so badly injured means that the stage was higher (no pun intended) than usual or he landed on his guitar awkwardly and busted up some ribs.
Either way, this is a shame, and hope he's not out of commission too long. But when you rock out so hard that you injure yourself and have to cancel an entire tour, you will be the feature story on This Week in Rock.

Florida Teens Volunteer to be Tasered, Police Officer Fired

MSNBC reported (http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/27300639/) that a 22yo police officer was fired for tasering teens at a party. I guess kids think it is awesome to get shocked at 10,000V. When I was a kid, I thought it was awesome to huff Elmer's out of a sock. The times they are a changin'

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ESPN: SAC THE FUCK UP

As profootballtalk.com reported yesterday ESPN, in re: to Benedict Favre, sent around an intra office memorandum which in part reads, "DO NOT REPORT... DO NOT REPORT... DO NOT REPORT... DO NOT REPORT." What the fuck is this? From the network that fills its time with mock drafts and Skip Bayless's senseless banter, it really comes as no surprise that when there is actual news we have to get it via deadspin. Report the fucking news and cut back on the bullshit. However, keep Dr. Lou as I believe as demonstrated from last week's rant he is becoming more interesting as senility encroaches. It is clear that the Doctor is in fact not in... The Doctor is out to lunch.

Who really gives a shit anyways?

As everyone knows, Game 1 of the Fall Classic starts tonight with the Phillies heading to Tampa to face the Rays in what will no doubt go down in history as one of the least watched and worst series' of all time. If you are looking for an exciting series, you will be sadly mistaken. The real series was played last week in Tampa and Boston.

With that in mind, who really gives a shit about this series anyways?Both cities involved in this series are secondary markets with a shitbag fanbase.

Philly, no doubt has fans but the fans are the kind of toothless/inbred scum that would even be looked down upon at my family reunion in Waterloo, NE. The Philly fans are known for their idiocy and vile tendencies at their sporting events. Really, a microcosm to the nature of the city at large. For a specific example of their idiocy, one needs to look no further than their rally cry for the Series, "Why can't us?" What the fuck does that even mean? I have terrible grammar and generally understand a redneck rally cry when I hear one, but this is beyond comprehension. "Educated" Philadelphia is standing up against this slogan, but I have no doubt that if Philly miraculously pulls out the Series win there will be tee-shirts printed with this slogan. This shirt would rival only the Giants for the worst victory shirt of all time (for those of you who don't remember... 18 wins and 1 GIANT LOSS).

Moving on to the Rays...

The team is one of the most exciting in baseball, with a young squad that is locked in to long term contracts this team could be a fixture in the post season for years to come. Unfortunately there is not much to say about the Rays fanbase. Excluding Dick Vitale? I have yet to see a Rays fan who is genuinely passionate about this team. Sure there are casual fans and sure the nation at large is pulling for them, but no one gives a shit about Tampa Bay or Tampa Bay sports in general. As a sports bigamist, in my many interactions with sports fans from all over the country I have yet to meet a loyal Tampa Bay fan... prior to a month ago, that is. However, unlike the Phillies faithful who have done nothing in support of their team, I do respect the fair-weather faithful of the Gulf Coast for taking action in their grooming habits. Mohawks for the guys is one thing, but the women showing their support by shaving landing strips is pure magic. However, this is simply not enough.

The point of this...

This series could have the lowest viewer ratings of all time. While Philadelphia is a major market, most of their fans probably don't own TVs or have electricity. Tampa Bay simply does not have the fans. This series is going to be boring as shit, Tampa Bay takes it in no more than 5. As much as I hate to admit it, a team with pink hats really could have helped spark interest in this series.

An Open Letter to Tony Kornheiser

Dear Tony,
I'm writing to you today with a heavy heart. I remember when you had a little more hair, a little less fat, and were pioneering the new genre of "In Your Face Sports Shows" with Michael Wilbon. It was January of 2002- I had just returned from a semester abroad in London, and my beloved New England Patriots were in the midst of an incredible run at their first Superbowl victory. Being outside the country for the entire regular season, I was reliant on Boston Globe and ESPN.COM game recaps, and some guy named Bill Simmons to add a little of the fan's perspective of what was going on in Drew Bledsoe's absence. Flipping through the channels after class, I stumbled upon something truly revelatory: 2 diehard sports fans, both accomplished reporters and columnists for the Washington Post, and both good friends, having realistic conversations and debates over the day's biggest stories. Entertaining, knowledgeable, and likable, Pardon the Interruption became must-see-tv for any sports fan.
Fast-forward to present day Monday Night Football: you are an annoying blowhard in the booth. As the member of the broadcast team supposed to represent the voice of the fan, you all too often see the game through your columnist's eyes. Instead of taking more of an opportunity to elicit knowledge from Jaws on things that fans wonder aloud, such as what exactly constitutes illegal formations on the O-line, or the X's-and-O's reason why a particular defensive scheme is so successful, we are subjected to sophomoric punch lines and pop culture references that fall flat time and time again.
The opening monologue about how the game weaves itself into the fabric of American society and the melodramatic halftime soliloquy on how "the whole world's changed but nothing's changed because the score is different than the experts predicted" is the worst form of hype. Give me a break. And no one cares who's on your fantasy football team, unless they are in your league and are playing you that week. They are the only people who care.
Tony, I had to get this off my chest. I still like you, I still watch PTI everyday, and enjoy your work there immensely, but I can't stomach you in the booth. I just can't. Now, this is not to say that you can't get better, or that you're always terrible on MNF, it's just that more often than not, I find myself distracted by some trivial nonsense you puked up to inject humor into the game, or some tangential reach into the deep recesses of the human soul, when sometimes, a football game is just a game.
And for the record, Brett Favre is a fucking assclown, and always has been.

Sincerely,
Judge Elihu Smails


Update 10/22/08:
Fanhouse has been tracking Kornheiser's idiocy on MNF and came out with an interesting stat: he mentioned Tom Brady's name 22 times, and Matt Cassel's name 9 times. In their words:
"Before the opening kickoff the score was already 5-1 in favor of Brady. On a night where Cassel completed 75% of his passes and threw three touchdowns, helping lead the Patriots to a 41-point performance on offense, Kornheiser, one of the guys announcing the game, referenced him by name nine times. He referenced a guy not playing 22 times. That's incredible, and completely predictable."
Imagine if the Brady-less Pats played the Favre-less Packers on MNF this year. The guy is fucking terrible and should be fired ASAP.

Bigger Asshole: Brett Favre v. Skip Bayless

Over the course of the past year most people have realized that Brett Favre is a giant asshole. Some people, such as my esteemed colleague Judge Smails, have recognized this for many years. Naysayers will no doubt argue that the asshole who walks among the Jets is just having fun. Don't be a moron. The man is, has, and always will be one of the biggest douchebags to play professional sports and that alone says something. Many people began to realize how big of a douchebag the man was this off-season when he decided to return to football creating a giant and unnecessary QB controversy. The Packers offered him 20 million to sit on his ass. This is quite the deal for someone who is an inch away from being picked off 90% of the time. Instead of taking this amazing deal, he decided that he wanted to have a little more fun. Why couldn't he just sit on his ass and play the occasional pickup game in his wranglers with his toothless, redneck friends?

As I'm sure most of you have read this week, to solidify his position as one of the biggest assholes in sporting history... the man sold out a team that did him no wrong. Brett "Benedict Arnold" Favre gave the Detroit Lions information regarding the Packers in hopes of a Lions victory. What a cocksucker. This whole fucking situation was a result of Favre's immaturity and self-serving nature. It is unfortunately not surprising that as of this morning ESPN, the channel who was quick to bring every up to date development in the biggest bullshit of all time "spygate," has yet to acknowledge Favre's immaturity and lack of fucking decency. Brett Favre embodies what is wrong with pro sports and people in general.

However, don't be mistaken there is arguably a bigger cocksucker in the world of pro sports as no asshole competition is complete without at least a passing reference to the biggest jack fuck ever to grace the ESPN networks, that's right the one and only... Skip Bayless. Cold Pizza was a fixture of my days for the better part of a year. I did not enjoy the show, I actually hated the show. I just wanted to see what this over-plastic surgerized power bottom was going to say next. It is not a coincidence that even people in Texas, the ultimate state of douchebag commradery, hate one of their own. How much plastic surgery is this man going to need to be the equivalent of the 'white' Michael Jackson. I have no doubt that he has the other accolades under his belt, including but not limited to child molestation.

Bayless and his baseless opinions have no room even in the shitbag halls of the ESPN networks. I would much rather watch "that's nasty" non-stop for a week straight than have to be subjected to 10 minutes of Skip Bayless talking about the positive sides of the WNBA and the NBA's expansion to Europe. This is the guy who said that America should not participate in the Olympics, but rather start their own Olympics because "their is no legitimate athletic talent outside of the states." Trust me, I am very ethnocentric, but this is just over the line. The guy has been on a high horse and apparently thinks that he gets a free pass ever since he predicted Jerry Jones' firing of Jimmy Johnson in the mid-90's. Someone needs to take him down a notch.

But in the end, only one can be crowned with the crown of shit... the winner has to be Brett Favre. While Skip Bayless, is undeniably one of the biggest assholes who has ever walked the face of this earth, my hatred seems to be merely based on personal disdain. Favre on the other hand is objectively a class A prick...

Stay tuned for the next episode: Worst "Professional Sport": WNBA v. NHL.